Birth on a Cheese Sandwich

6pm and dinner time - just started the joint of pork in the oven, when "Nigel, my waters have broken, fetch a bucket" ! Not having experienced this the first time, it all seemed quite novel to me - my wife standing, legs apart, with a washing-up bowl between them.

Anyway, a call to the Labour Ward to tell them what had happened, & they tell us to come in. Jane thinks it's far too early to come in, so we wait. By this time, Jane's parents had come to take James away to their house to stay. Also they took away the joint of pork with them, as we thought we couldn't eat it in our sate.

Although with all this activity going on, Jane felt no pains. Should she have ? At 8:30 we felt a bit hungry, but with nothing in the fridge, I have to scrounge some cheese from next door in order for us to have in a sandwich. Eventually at about 11:30 Jane decides it's about time we made our way to the Hospotal. When we arrived, the Midwife told us that she was just about to call us to see where we were ! Bit of a disappointment here, as Jane was only 2cm dilated, so I was sent home & Jane was found a bed on the ante-natal ward. No further examination planned until 9:30 the next day.

Luckilly I'm able to get some sleep & turn up again at the hospital at 9am the next morning. Jane's not looking too happy now. More pain than she can cope with, and it's a call for some relief. Tried 10's, but found to be no use. Still only 4cm dilated. Having had a section first time, Jane was going to be put on a drip, & so she decided if this was the case then an epidural would be on the cards, as Jane wanted the least number of holes in her as possible !

By 11, we're moved to the Labour Ward, where things really started to move on. The request for an epidural was cancelled, as Jane started to dilate quite quickly. Entanox was being sniffed at fairly regular intervals now, and the monitor to which Jane was attached was becoming more actve. At about 1:15, whilst Jane was having one of her contractions, & I was casually talking to the Midwife about somethingorother, Jane suddenly screams out "I want to push", & quickly returns behind her mask.

OK, here we go, as they say - into action now. A bit of controlled pushing is all that's needed, so we're told. So it's one foot into the Midwife's hip & the other foot onto my hip, hands behind thighs, chin on chest and ppuuusssshhhhhh. Not long after this pushing lark had started, I see things beginning to happen 'down there'. Catherine's head was slowly becoming visible & looked all crinkly. Right, we're getting to the end now - head almost out. The Midwife decides that the exit hole is in need of some assistance & injects Jane's perinium with what seemed to be about half a pint of lignocaine. Then somewhat rather crudely, I thought, the perinium was cut with a rather grusome pair of sissors. Blood everywhere. But it did the trick, out came Catherine's head. She had decided to have the cord wrapped around her head, & so the cord was clamped and cut, or should I say hacked at. I didn't realise that the cord would be so tough to cut.

At 13:57 Catherine was born and everybody was happy with the whole process. Stitching up came about an hour later, but the after effects were felt for another 3 weeks. Bird's Eye peas have just found another use, other than eating. I have no complaints about the whole episode, and neither has Jane. It may have appeared bit barbaric, but then, only being a man, I suppose I wasn't psychologically built up for the experience.